News Story 1

Leaugetown High School principal Tonya King denied junior Jim Stack’s request to grow out his hair for Locks of Love, an organization that makes wigs for sick children. The school board will vote on this request Monday.
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students every day asking if they could also break the dress code,” principal Tonya King said. “The school would be in chaos then.” The school dress code requires that a male student’s hair must be of natural color and no longer than collar length. After King denied Stack’s request, he wrote a letter to the school board requesting permission.
“He could have a fundraiser and donate money to the organization,” King said. “I can’t bend the rules for one student.” Even though King offered a fundraiser, Locks of Love needs more hair than money. Also, Stack preferred to donate his hair rather than have a fundraiser.
“Donating my hair is a very special project to me,” Stack said. “Anyone can donate money, but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.” Stack’s younger sister, Jasmine Stack, received a wig from Locks of Love after she was diagnosed with cancer. Seeing his sister so happy inspired Stack to donate his own hair.
“I won’t be hurting anyone when my hair gets longer,” Stack said. If Stacks appeal is approved, he hopes to inspire more people to donate their hair as well.
“I think it’s cool that Jim wants to do this,” student council president Gilbert Castillo said. “Girls have long hair, and no one is distracted. Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”

3 Comments on News Story 1

  1. Makenna
    November 14, 2014 at 6:39 pm (9 years ago)

    Things you can work on:
    1) It said that it was next Monday, so it’s not just any Monday
    2)The transition from “seeing his sister so happy…” to “I won’t be hurting anyone…” could be changes. I feel like it doesn’t really connect with the quote below it.
    3)After the first quote you do not need to repeat Tonya King’s name, you can just say King since you introduced her in your lead
    4) it feels a little one sided, you could possibly add a quote from the school board president or change one you already have
    5)you could mentioned the letter that the student council wrote to the board

    Things you did good:
    1)you explained what the organization did and that the hair was more important than the money
    2)you answered the readers question of “what is the dress code?”
    3)you explained why this project was important for him and who started it [his sister]

    Reply
  2. Angeles
    November 14, 2014 at 6:48 pm (9 years ago)

    1. I think your lead was good, but I think you could of talk about the information about Locks of Love somewhere else.
    2.The quote you choose was good, and the commentary was on point with the information.
    3. I think when you are going to use information that in fact was correct you make sure that you don’t make it sound like your saying what they [ Locks of Love] or Stack are saying. In other words it sounds like you are saying that’s what they need instead of giving facts about the topic.
    4.I like that quote 🙂 and the commentary about what stared all of this in the first place.
    5. Maybe you could add some information about how the student council wrote a letter to the school board on this quote because it goes with the quote very well and it’s telling information about how this action actually did inspire other people/ students to donate hair as well.
    6. Final comment. I didn’t see any comments that the school bored commented on this issue, I think that would be something I would like to know.
    HEY at the end I’m not an expert ,but I am trying to help. Love you!!!!!! 🙂 <3

    Reply
  3. davisb
    November 19, 2014 at 6:45 pm (9 years ago)

    Leaugetown High School principal Tonya King denied junior Jim Stack’s request to grow out his hair for Locks of Love, an organization that makes wigs for sick children. The school board will vote on this request Monday. OMIT LEAGUETOWN HIGH SCHOOL
    “Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students every day asking if they could also break the dress code,” principal Tonya King said. “The school would be in chaos then.”
    SECOND MENTION JUST KING SAID
    The school dress code requires that a male student’s hair must be of natural color and no longer than collar length. After King denied Stack’s request, he wrote a letter to the school board requesting permission. GOOD
    “He could have a fundraiser and donate money to the organization,” King said. “I can’t bend the rules for one student.”
    EVERY TIME YOU MOVE FROM TRANSITION TO QUOTE IT IS A NEW PARAGRAPH.
    Even though King offered a fundraiser, Locks of Love needs more hair than money. Also, Stack preferred to donate his hair rather than have a fundraiser. OPINION REWRITE TRANSITION
    “Donating my hair is a very special project to me,” Stack said. “Anyone can donate money, but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.”

    Stack’s younger sister, Jasmine Stack, received a wig from Locks of Love after she was diagnosed with cancer. Seeing his sister so happy inspired Stack to donate his own hair.SECOND SENTENCE IS AN OPINION. REWRITE SECOND SENTENCE.
    “I won’t be hurting anyone when my hair gets longer,” Stack said.

    If Stack’s appeal is approved, he hopes to inspire more people to donate their hair as well. OPINION REWRITE. TALK ABOUT THE STUCO LETTER, SIGNATURES AND ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ON PROMPT.
    “I think it’s cool that Jim wants to do this,” student council president Gilbert Castillo said. “Girls have long hair, and no one is distracted. Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”

    IF YOU NEED MORE INFO FOR YOUR TRANSITIONS USE THE LOCKS OF LOVE LETTER AND/OR THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT WILL TAKE STACK TO GROW HIS HAIR. YOU COULD USE THAT HE OFFERED TO TUCK IT INTO HIS SHIRT.

    Reply

Leave a Reply